random thoughts from caren

Story of my Life

2010-05-03T15:18:00.001-05:00

The names have been changed to protect the innocent
All characters, while resembling real people, are nonetheless fictitious
Nothing more than fiction built up in the mind of the author
This is the story of my life
Same stage, different players yet still producing the same results
New scenery but the story remains relatively unchanged
The words are slightly altered but their meanings are still the same
Trying to create a multi-act play out of a one act monologue
This is the story of my life

been practicing my whole life for this day

2010-01-01T18:48:00.002-05:00

watching life from the sidelines
but i'm ready to play, coach
put me in before the game ends
been practicing my whole life for this day

swayed to the music while sitting alone on the bleachers
didn't have the nerve to get out there
but i'm ready to dance
before the last song ends
been practicing my whole life for this day

lost my chance
was afraid to let anyone in
hurt too many times by so many
but i'm ready to love
before my last breath is taken
been practicing my whole life for this day

New Year's Day

2010-01-01T18:20:00.003-05:00

New Year's Day...
a time for new beginnings
a time to say goodbye to the days of the past year
introspection...reflection...new resolutions

thoughts flitting through my brain
like hummingbirds at a feeder
never coming to a complete stop
just hovering out of reach

reflect, think, resolve, do
sequence is important
change is necessary in life
so what are my resolutions for the New Year?

hurting

2009-06-07T19:26:00.003-05:00

why do i ask when the answers cut me to the bone?
why do i torture myself like that?
does it hurt more to know?
or hurt more to allow my brain to run through all the thoughts on its own?
either way my heart knows the truth and it just hurts...
and in all this time i still haven't found a way to make it stop hurting

sunsets

2009-06-07T19:12:00.001-05:00

watching the beautiful sunsets after the rains have cleared
seeing the wonder and awe in the colors and clouds
feeling that black hole of loneliness at watching it alone

forever in pieces

2009-06-07T19:08:00.002-05:00

heart broken...forever in pieces
never to be whole again
i try to put the pieces together
but it seems like some are missing
as if there is a constant hole
and i can't make it solid again
just a bunch of shattered shards is all that's left
of this broken heart

noise

2008-02-11T22:00:00.000-05:00

i write to get the feelings out
to get a handle on my emotions
to make the thoughts in my head be quiet for a little while at least
sometimes it helps...to stop the noise in my head
other times it just stirs up the thoughts even more
those times scare me....make me think the thoughts are too consuming
afraid they'll be all-consuming...eating me alive...making me nothing
more than a shell of the person i desire to be...

inside-outside

2008-02-11T21:56:00.001-05:00

need to find a way to make the outside match the inside
maybe then the pain on the inside will be able to dissipate
i try to change the thoughts, the habits, the patterns
but to no avail
the pain on the inside just keeps growing
overshadowing the progress i appear to be making on the outside
yet still i keep struggling along
hoping....praying...that one of these days....
that what i feel inside and what i present on the outside will match

meaningless

2008-02-11T21:50:00.000-05:00

pieces of me scattered about
easy to give of myself
much more difficult to give my heart

emptiness
empty sex
meaningless

to give my heart
means to open myself to someone
to risk, to chance, to care

easier to just give my body
it's for a moment...an instant in time
no hurt...no cares...no fears

just emptiness
just empty sex
just meaningless

empty tears

2008-02-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

hurts too much to care
wounds are too deep
scars won't heal
sadness too much to bear

walls are high
guard is up
emotions in check
empty tears I cry

heart is broken
feels like it will never be whole

introspection

2008-01-14T22:04:00.000-05:00

must be the time of year...
i always get much more introspective...
maybe it has to do with the days being shorter...
darker earlier...makes me feel darker inside...

i look inside...deep inside...at the things i wish for...
the things i'm still lacking...inside..
and wonder what it will take to find those things...
the pieces that are missing...
the dreams yet achieved...

maybe i just get introspective since there is less to do...
this time of year...not as active...
although lately i've been isolating...
an improvement is that i know that is what i've been doing...
it's been a conscious choice i've made recently...
spending the time alone...time to think...to reflect...
to decide how to change things in my life...

and still i wonder what it will take...
to make those changes...
to find the missing pieces...
to fulfill the dreams in my heart...

it's my life after all

2007-09-08T15:09:00.000-05:00

so i carefully prayed to the full moon goddess this month
tried to be a bit more specific than the last time
not sure if she heard my prayers or not
but i did see a double rainbow the very next day
and a single rainbow the day after that
i'm hoping that's a positive sign
and not the full moon goddess laughing at me

"if wishes were horses this beggar would ride"
as i've heard sung by a favorite singer of mine
so maybe it's my turn to ride for a change...
i can hope for that anyway...

it's lonely walking solo all the time...
the world is made for couples
it's shoved in my face on a regular basis
like when my friends all do "date nite"
and alone i sit...without someone to "date"

but i don't think it's fair for me to mislead others
into thinking my feelings are deeper than surface
when that's all i feel...
so rather than continue to hurt them
i end things...rather quickly...
at least according to my friends
who don't completely understand why i don't just settle
especially if the other person treats me well...
but there are lots of other factors to consider..
least of which is how i feel about them...
and if they are talking forever...
i'm talking right now...
then things will never move forward...
mostly because i won't let them...
i'm holding out...
not settling just because others think i should
or just because the other person has my life planned out
because it's my life after all...
and i deserve to be happy...
and someday i hope to find that...
if not...guess i'll just grow old alone
because it's my life after all

sitting

2007-09-08T15:04:00.000-05:00

feeling alone...even with others around
feeling alone...even when by myself
nothing matters anymore
nothing seems important anymore

words get spoken but i doubt their meaning
for it's only words...actions are missing
and words are meaningless
if the actions don't back them up

so alone i sit...waiting for the moment to pass
waiting for the feelings to change
waiting for my outside and inside to match

the search

2007-03-13T12:14:00.000-05:00

i search
i seek
always looking for the place within
the one that provides the needed peace
the happiness that i yearn for
but it's buried so deep
i only scratch the surface for brief instances
then it vanishes once more

so again
i search
i seek
continually striving to find that inner sanctuary
the serenity
the calmness
the little bit of heaven that will lead to a wealth of possibilities

i'm going to try to cultivate a garden of beauty
within myself
so maybe the colors of the rainbow will be reflected inside
and my perception of the world will no longer be clouded
but will be clear with the endless hope and joy of a newly developed world

despair

2007-03-13T12:06:00.000-05:00

that unrelenting despair
engulfing all of my thoughts
doesn't take much these days
too many goodbyes
not enough hellos

tears are held at bay
just waiting to overflow the reservoir
one more incident to tip the scales
in favor of the tears

that unrelenting despair
engulfing all of my thoughts
doesn't take much these days
too many wrongs
not enough rights

too many negative things happening at once
not enough positive things to keep me balanced
waiting for the next one that will send me over the edge
into the deepest well of darkness
into the abyss that will signal my demise

someday

2007-02-19T21:51:00.000-05:00

afraid of learning about myself again
afraid of all the new lessons in store
afraid of the anger turning into hurt again
afraid of opening myself up again

because every time i let someone in
i get hurt... a little more of me gets ripped apart
a little deeper the wounds go
always letting in the "wrong" people...
the ones who put me last in their lives
the ones who don't care...who don't respect me

so i close off a little more of me each time this happens
and i wonder if that's all there is...that's all that's out there
or if i'll always feel this way...sad...lonely...alone...angry

the anger gets directed at myself...
for once again putting myself in this position
of losing another piece of myself...
of my heart getting stepped on a little more

someday things will be different for me

stages

2007-02-19T21:46:00.000-05:00

the hurt has turned to anger
the pain is lessened as time goes on
it's almost like watching the stages of grief
except there was no denial in the beginning
just despair...an overwhelming sadness...
a knowledge that nothing would change how things were happening
a numbing acceptance that things would forever be different
the process of letting go of the past
and being scared of the future

betrayal of the worst kind

2007-02-19T15:51:00.000-05:00

betrayal of the worst kind
from the people you thought mattered
from the ones you thought wouldn't do it

betrayal of the worst kind
everything changed forever
everything ruined beyond repair

betrayal of the worst kind
lies, deceit, violation of trust
tangled web of convolution

betrayal of the worst kind
everyone blaming someone else
no one taking responsibility for their actions
it's just betrayal of the worst kind

slipping

2007-02-02T15:06:00.000-05:00

Isolation in my head
Been there for a while now
Can feel myself drifting away
In my reality as well
Tenuous connections
Ready to drop off the edge
Ready to let go of it all
Then the phone rings
And the tears begin to flow
For all the opportunities that I let slip away
For all the chances that I didn't take

deeper

2007-02-02T15:04:00.000-05:00

Bury the wounds deep inside
Under layers of protection
Maybe they'll have time to heal
Before ripping open again
Each time they rip open
A little deeper they go
Past the point of no return
So fully engulfed in hurt
There is no recovery

nothing matters

2007-02-02T15:02:00.000-05:00

Shut the noise in my head
Turn off the emotions in my heart
Cease to wonder about it all
Questions go unanswered in my mind
No need to know
Nothing matters anymore

just words

2006-06-12T19:55:00.000-05:00

connection broken
lies spoken
words mean nothing

solitary existance
people off in the distance
words mean nothing

alone again
or is it still alone
words mean nothing

walls

2006-05-08T21:36:00.000-05:00

foundation was built on deceit and mistrust
solidly it grew...brick by brick...til the walls were high
and thick...and the mortar between the bricks held tight

now the walls protect my heart...protect my soul...
nothing permeates...no feelings get in ... and nothing gets out...
heart can't be hurt if no feelings get in...
tears held at bay...nothing shows thru...

emotionless...as far as intimate emotions are concerned...
anger shows thru...irritation shows thru...but other emotions are blocked...
protected is what i thought but sometimes i just think they're blocked by the walls...
cause if the other emotions show thru then i have to take risks...
take the chance of being hurt yet again...and that is just too high
a price for me to pay at this point...so, easier, safer for my feelings...
to not show them...to not let them thru the walls....to not feel right now...

took me a while to get the walls this high...this thick...this solid...didn't think i'd
be able to do it again...used to always be this way...but then i found people i was
willing to take risks with...wrong people, wrong choices i guess....cause they took
advantage...took the best parts of me...and tossed them aside...threw them out
like old trash...used and abused my heart...and my soul...

so i took back my heart...took back my soul...and built up the walls to protect them...
now i'm not willing to give them away so freely...not willing to chip away at the walls...there's comfort here...been here so many times before...but something feels different this time...more deliberate...sometimes this protection isolates me...sometimes it insulates me from hurt....

maybe someday.....i'll be willing to tear down the walls again and let someone in...but not today.

friendship

2006-03-22T21:46:00.000-05:00

i take the time to discover that i have friends today
true friends...good friends...loving friends
i almost lost them over something stupid...my stupidity...
my not listening...not understanding...the fear of loss
overtook my thoughts...and i cried...cried at the possibility
of losing the very people i was pushing away...scared me ...
scared me enough that i contacted my friends...and demanded
explanations...then apologized for my bizarre reactions and my
insane approach to the situation...apologized for thinking they
didn't care...apologized for almost abandoning the very people
i love the most...and we hugged...and repaired the friendship...
stronger it grew...the power of three...me and my two best friends

full moon prayers

2006-03-22T21:36:00.000-05:00

i prayed to the full moon goddess
she smiled upon me
and you entered my life

you made my heart soar
your voice lifted my spirits
the sight of you made my knees weak

i thought you were the one i had been seeking
but that was a myth created in my mind
one born of longing and desire not based in reality

i listened to the words you chose to use
yet misunderstood their meaning

i look to the full moon goddess now
and see her laughing at my naivete
be careful what you pray for is the message i hear

you or me?

2006-02-23T21:35:00.000-05:00

i listen to the hurt
i listen to the anger
i offer solace
i offer advice
i explain why others behave as they do
i explain this is the way life happens

i swallow my own hurt
i swallow my own anger
i console myself
i try and heed my own advice
i understand your feelings, frustrations, and pain
i felt the same when you treated me that way

unspoken

2006-02-23T21:28:00.000-05:00

The sadness is swallowed
The tears kept at bay
All the words i want to say just stay in my head
All the things i want to tell you get left unspoken

The feelings pushed deeper inside
The anger settles over them
And the words get spoken only in my head
And the things i want to tell you get left unspoken

No one to tell this to
No one left who will listen
My head won't shut the words out
And the things i want to tell you get left unspoken

Just an afterthought

2006-02-23T21:24:00.000-05:00

When you got nothing to do or no one to call
I'm the one you pick
Just an afterthought is all

Not the top of the list
Not the option you choose
Just the one who's left
The last resort is all

Better than nothing
Better than no one
That's how it's always been
A last resort
An afterthought

just a means to an end

2006-02-14T18:39:00.000-05:00

words and actions don't match
take advantage, use others
just a means to an end

break hearts
trample dreams
just a means to an end

fulfill your needs
forget the cost
just a means to an end

say what's necessary to get your way
do what you want no matter who gets hurt
just a means to an end

makes no difference how others feel
their desires are of no consequence
just a means to an end

words without meaning
actions without care
just a means to an end

valentine's day ruminations

2006-02-13T23:06:00.000-05:00

to not be an afterthought in someone's life
to not be placed last in order of importance in someone's life
to not be lied to and cheated on

to be loved
to be cherished
to be respected

to find that person who will make me laugh and who will laugh with me
to find that person who will be happy with the quiet times we share together
to find that person who will enjoy my friends and introduce me to their friends
to find that person who truly wants to spend time with me just because i'm me

are these such difficult things? apparently so...because i haven't found them yet
they are things i am seeking...things i hope for...dreams i have...

makes me wonder how i can miss them so much when i haven't ever had them in my life for any length of time...i think i had glimpses of them over the years but they were so fleeting that they just left me with a want; a desire...

once again, alone on valentine's day...a day designed for couples...reinforcement for those who are lacking that special someone...lonliness intensified...leaving me wondering if i'll ever find the things i seek....if i'll ever find someone to hold me with tenderness, to care about me, to fall in love with...

turmoil in my head

2006-02-07T22:34:00.000-05:00

i'm just a mess...don't know which end is up...don't know what i want in life, in or out of relationship...don't know what kind of person i want to be with...don't even know what kind of person i want to date...don't understand anything about me or my life right now...perpetual state of confusion i live in...why bother? with anything...nothing worth it ... always get hurt in end...what's the point...just learn to be alone and someone comes along and fucks it all up...learn to be ok with them and they fuck it all up again...heart doesn't bend just breaks all the time...never seems to heal...the strength just seeps out...don't wanna be in love...hurts way too much...seeing it happen all around me lately...ppl you think have great relationships have major issues too...so is it worth it? worth the risk? would rather sky dive and take my chances...gamble on a crap shoot...same outcome for me...another opportunity missed...another shot in the dark that missed the mark...arrow off target completely...better to live safely than in constant hurt, pain, turmoil....no pain no gain but what have i gained?

dream

2006-01-15T02:01:00.000-05:00

the rush of passion coursing through my veins
the excitement of the first kiss
desire pulsing inside me as i wait for your first touch
my hands gently caressing you
i hear your soft moan
the electricity between us
i think of these things and wonder
where is the woman in my dream?

missing

2006-01-15T01:51:00.000-05:00

thought i was sad but found i couldn't cry
thought i was happy but found i couldn't laugh
should be excited but instead i'm just scared
should be sleeping but i'm wide awake
anger lurking just below the surface
anger covering up the hurt inside
love is all i ever wanted...to be loved and to be able to love someone else
love is still missing in my life

end of year ruminations

2005-12-31T18:25:00.000-05:00

there's a fine line between love and hate
not always sure where one ends and the other begins
confuses me a lot...makes me feel unsettled
the "not knowing" the difference

one extreme to the other
things either have to be black or white
no gray allowed...always yes or no....no maybe allowed
confuses me a lot...makes me feel unsettled
the "not being ok" with the middle ground

happiness and sadness....opposite ends of the spectrum
but are they really?
could they just be the same feeling happening at different times?
is that why people "cry tears of happiness and joy"?
confuses me a lot...makes me feel unsettled
the "undecidedness" of it all

been through a lot this year...great highs and great lows
the highs just don't seem to last long enough to suit me
not sure what to do to make them last or how to retain that feeling inside me
lows always seem to be of my own doing though
things i could have changed but didn't or don't or can't or won't
confuses me a lot...makes me feel unsettled
the end of one year and the start of a new year

expectations for the future....always expectations
the more you have the more apt to be disappointed
maybe new year's resolution should be to have less expectations in life
then disappointments in life will be less
maybe we are supposed to be disappointed at times in order to learn and grow
maybe that is the lesson
confuses me a lot....makes me feel unsettled

emotional debris

2005-12-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

mind racing
swirling vortex of emotions
searching for that happy place
where my mind is calm
like gentle waves quietly lapping at the shore
instead of the raging storm blowing through me
searching.....always searching
but that happy place has been buried
under emotional debris that just keeps piling higher
tiny speck of light is all that is visible of that happy place...
soon it too will be gone

vicious cycle

2005-12-28T20:40:00.000-05:00

anger, resentment, negativity
seem to take over my outlook whenever i'm hurting inside
it's as if it's not ok for me to just feel the hurt and work through it
or maybe it's just that i don't know how to work through the hurt and
it's just easier to be angry at the world and everyone in it
it's not as if i usually know what i'm angry about either
but i do usually know what the hurt is from
and the anger is always misplaced
rarely directed at the person i'm truly angry with
unless it's directed at myself and then i'm angry with myself
because i'm not addressing whatever caused the emotions in the first place

vicious cycle
fear locks me in this vicious cycle
fear of looking at the real issues in my life and making changes in the way things are

meaningless

2005-12-27T22:15:00.000-05:00

it's all meaningless
constantly asking "why?"
no reasons
useless information anyway
passionless, pointless
going through the motions
because that is what is expected
it's just what you do
but it's all so inane
youth wasted
artificial lifetime exhausted

L.O.S.T.

2005-12-27T22:12:00.000-05:00

L onely
O n my own
S olitary
T roubling

reasons

2005-12-22T20:59:00.000-05:00

words so often go unspoken
feelings unable to be conveyed
insecurities overtake me
warping my views
clouding my thoughts
changing my behaviors

deceit

2005-12-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

deceit, lies, things not said
words still running laps in my head
swirling around in a heated tempest
creating endless turmoil and unrest
my emotions turned upside down
my heart ripped out and then carelessly tossed to the ground
she didn't care, she didn't worry, she didn't feel the love lost
i paid the price to be with her but for me it was a terribly high cost

feelings overwhelm

2005-12-22T20:54:00.000-05:00

standing at the bottom of the mountain
it's too high to climb to the top
avalanche of emotions bury me
don't think i can dig my way out
it's too deep here
they weigh heavy on my shoulders
heartbreak
heartache
feelings overwhelm

scared

2005-12-11T21:51:00.000-05:00

scared to let anyone in
scared to be hurt again
time inches forward
creeping along
silent, ever watchful
waiting for the chance
to live again
to love again
but i'm too scared of the pain
too scared
too scared
too scared
too scared to take the risk of being vulnerable

each time i allow myself to be vulnerable, a little piece of me is chiseled away
til i feel like i'm left with nothing
afraid of what will become of me if more is taken away...
afraid of living
afraid of dying
so i do nothing instead

wounded

2005-12-11T21:42:00.000-05:00

knife in my heart
bleeding inside
scarred by circumstances
wounds won't heal
emotions seep out
nothing stays in my heart anymore
the hole just keeps growing bigger

the more twists and turns of fate
the less of me i feel
losing sense of self
anger brewing on surface
always angry
covers up the sadness
easier to be angry than sad
hurts less that way

questions without answers

2005-12-11T21:37:00.000-05:00

be true to yourself is what they tell me, but
what happens if you aren't sure who you are?
what happens if you feel lost all the time?
what happens if your heart is broken and feels like it'll never heal?
what happens if you feel like you'll never love again?
what happens if you feel like you'll never be loved again?
what happens if you feel so alone that you are drowning in your emotions?
what happens if you feel like you are a spectator in your own life?

how do you turn it all around?
how do you make things different?
how do you learn to trust again?
how do you learn to love again?
how do you learn to be true to yourself?

still

2005-12-08T22:10:00.000-05:00

always missing the mark
reaching, stretching, seeking my holy grail
only to come up empty handed yet again
and still i continue on

persevering in my plight
like a ship stalled at sea
tossed and turned on the waves of my life
and still i continue on

wondering, wishing, hoping
that glimmer in the distance
clawing my way to the end

fog of my life

2005-12-08T22:05:00.000-05:00

numbness crawling over me
covering me like a blanket
walking thru the fog of my life
seeing shadows instead of light

pain is subsiding
feelings whittled down to nothing
splinters of my past
ghosts of lives gone

time marches forward
never slowing its pace
thoughts always in a hurry
emotions have lost the race

safer that way

2005-12-08T22:01:00.000-05:00

closed off
sealed shut
emotions hidden from sight
safer that way
no chance of hurt

watch from outside myself
participate thru a screen
as if on film
images there but not real

bury the pain
swallow the fears
deeper i sink inside myself
safer that way

demons

2005-12-01T08:32:00.000-05:00

demons in my head
scrambling my thoughts
wrapping around my emotions

wondering where my angel is
the one who will tame the demons
calm the roller coaster ride i'm on

accepting

2005-11-30T13:18:00.000-05:00

Accepting what fate has to offer
Accepting that which will never be
Accepting that it's the journey not the destination that is important
Accepting that the world doesn't revolve around me
Accepting that I'm a small part of the reality of others
Accepting me for who I am with all of my imperfections
Accepting that life just "is"

nothing there

2005-11-30T13:12:00.000-05:00

Nothing there
Emptiness
devoid of emotion
Black hole
sinking
Drowning in a flood of solitude
Quicksand pulling me deeper
Grasping at air
Nothing there

inside my head

2005-11-30T09:31:00.000-05:00

where do you go when there is no one left?
where do you go when you are alone?

inside my head
thoughts bouncing around
disconnected fleeting random

what do you do when you don't like the noise?
what do you do when you can't shut it down?

inside my head
the cacophony drones on
nothing to quiet the reverberations in my mind

confusion reigns supreme

2005-11-30T09:25:00.000-05:00

self seeking continues
but still i'm lost
fearful of what i might learn

thoughts run wild
like stallions untamed
all directions at once

no cohesion ... no sense
random associations
everything tangential

confusion reigns supreme

but still i'm alone

2005-11-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

dreaming of your touch
wishing you were here
but still i'm alone
and you remain nothing but a mirage

my mind conjures images
of my wants and desires
but still i'm alone
and you remain in my imagination

are you a part of me that is missing?
this endless searching that i do
but still i'm alone
and you remain a shadow in my mind

kaleidoscope

2005-11-17T12:26:00.001-05:00

kaleidoscope of emotions....
jagged edged...distorted images
waiting for the prism to return
where everything flows smoothly together

will i ever find that spot?
will the emotions ever stop wounding my heart?
will the pain ease up?

wanting to flatline my emotions...
stop the hurt
stop the thoughts from taking over my brain
but the ramblings in my head just continue to ransack my heart

darkness

2005-11-17T05:32:00.000-05:00

close the door
shut the light
in the darkness no one can see the tears
cuddling with myself
trying to stay calm
in the darkness the fears come to the surface
facing them alone
reminding myself to breathe
in the darkness i lay very still
waiting for daylight
waiting to open the door

nights

2005-11-16T23:21:00.000-05:00

staring at the moon
wishing on a star
wondering if you noticed the same moon
or wished on the same star
for just a second i hope we connected
but then a cloud crossed the moon
and the star was covered from view
and i knew in my heart that the connection
was just wishful thinking on my part

lacking content

2005-11-16T23:03:00.000-05:00

it feels as if i'm in a glass jar
not all the time, but more often than i'd like
almost there
but not quite
it feels as if i'm invisible
participating but not fully
maybe i'm just going thru the motions
acting as if everything is alright
hoping that maybe by acting "as if"
it will become reality
but i'm lacking content

shadows

2005-08-13T11:17:00.000-05:00

living in a world of shadows
thinly veiled attempts at reality
reaching out to touch illusions
they disappear as if on a breeze

sand castles in the sky
washed away by a sea of tears
riptides pulling me into the abyss
flooding the canyons in my mind

imperfections glaring in the light
accomplishments eclipsed by the dark
emotions weighing heavy on my heart
living in a world of shadows

lost

2005-08-03T18:55:00.000-05:00

lost
something missing
seeking searching
seeing only darkness
hearing only silence

want to run away
but everywhere i go
there i am
can't run from myself

can't find the part that's missing
not sure what i'm looking for
pieces parts
not whole
just lost

ease of existence

2005-07-20T22:20:00.000-05:00

2 weeks of harmony
peace, serenity
ease of existence

2 weeks of heaven
ecstasy, pleasure
ease of existence

2 weeks of happiness
love, contentment
ease of existence

2005-07-20T22:19:00.000-05:00

seeking, searching
for an ever elusive concept
ray of hope, feels like a dream
wishing, praying
to hold onto this fleeting feeling
for longer than a moment
before it is snatched from my grasp
before the hurt sets in
that neverending heartache
that seems to lie in wait
for the chance to dim my sights

2005-07-20T22:17:00.000-05:00

shut the door
lock it tight
keep out the hurt
dull the heartache
it's there, just below the surface
can feel it
the knot, the pain
fighting to keep it down
bury it deeper inside
where it waits patiently
for my unsuspecting soul

2005-07-13T15:31:00.000-05:00

insecurity running rampant through my brain
working on keeping it at bay
listen to the words
take them at face value
believe that what is said is what is meant
and the insecurity will diminish

two weeks

2005-07-13T10:31:00.000-05:00

when she was here with me
two weeks of ecstasy, harmony, bliss

now everything reminds me of her
lonliness, sadness, desire, longing

smile when i think of her
smile when i remember the visit

hear her voice in my head
feel her touch on my body

return to the happiness again
in her arms i want to be

forward i go...steadily forward
waiting until i can see her again

focused on fear

2005-07-13T10:25:00.000-05:00

fear....focused on fear
fear of life
fear of love
fear of me

scared....focused on fear
scared to face reality
scared to let feelings show
scared of me

confusion

2005-06-23T06:19:00.000-05:00

confusion reigns supreme
what to do
where to go
who to love

listening to others
who don't understand
they don't know what it's like
to love outside the norm

heart is heavy
an intense ache inside
if it's wrong, why does it feel so right
it just all seems so hard

2005-06-16T09:13:00.000-05:00

my life is a treadmill
or a stationary bicycle
i keep going but never getting anywhere

i watch the scenery pass by
but it's all just an illusion
a movie on a screen

time standing still
time moving on
but yet everything stays the same

i follow the road
but it's going in a circle
i've seen these sights before

2005-06-16T09:07:00.000-05:00

storm in my head
rip tides pulling me away from shore
drowning me in thoughts

swimming upstream
always a struggle
yet still i travel

the chosen path
filled with thorns
stabbing, poking, scratching

sinking in quicksand
every step going deeper
grabbing at nothing and slipping further down

nothing received

2005-06-16T08:59:00.000-05:00

static in my brain
connection is gone
nothing received

words are scrambled
meanings are lost
nothing received

random thoughts
disconnected symbols
nothing received

free association
useless information
nothing received

secret

2005-06-13T07:21:00.000-05:00

I'm a secret...
your dirty secret...
one you seem to hide from everyone

I'm a shadow...
a part of you but not really there...
one you seem to hide from everyone

I'm a shell...
something you collected along the way...
one you seem to hide from everyone

I'm no one...
a figment of your imagination...
one you seem to hide from everyone

I'm everyone you pass on the street...
the faceless stranger walking by your life...
the person you wish you could take the risk to meet...
I'm your secret
I'm your shadow
I'm your shell
I'm no one

this is where my thoughts take me

2005-06-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

like alice in wonderland
through the looking glass i go
where everything is distorted
out of sorts
caricatures of real life
this is where my thoughts take me

roller coaster ride of emotions
extreme highs and extreme lows
sudden turns and twists of fate
knuckles turning white from holding on so tight
death grip on life
this is where my thoughts take me

nightmares and horror films
freaks and ghouls
halloween in my head every day of the year
fear deep down in my bones
inching me forward in life
this is where my thoughts take me

2005-06-08T13:47:00.000-05:00

confusion in my head
sadness in my heart
gnawing away at my center

fears are everywhere
forced to confront them
nowhere to hide

don't like what i see
don't like what i feel
don't like where i am

not whole
pieces and parts
chiseled away

i'm wrong

2005-06-07T11:31:00.000-05:00

when you screw things up, how do you fix it?
i have no idea....but i screwed up
and now things are broken
not completely snapped apart
but not working properly
and i can't seem to fix it
even though i'm the one who broke it
the ache inside
the pain i caused
can't seem to correct
just rears up again
mostly when i think things are starting to get better
i realize i'm wrong...yet again....as usual...like always

the damage done

2005-06-07T11:22:00.000-05:00

heartache, heartbreak, bitterness
actions caused these feelings
my actions....
damage done...
wounded another soul
unintentional...
sadness, hurt, pain
my feelings...
can't repair
the damage done

you don't call

2005-06-01T15:25:00.000-05:00

where are you?
what are you doing?
why don't you call?

the pain and hurt
are deep and dark
still you don't call

i sit with tears in my eyes
heart in pieces
and still you don't call

waiting

2005-06-01T15:07:00.000-05:00

waiting and wondering
always at odds
mostly with myself

waiting and wondering
for and about what?
big question with no answer

will i ever know
what i'm waiting for?
what i'm wondering about?

2005-06-01T15:05:00.000-05:00

solitary woman
at peace with herself
this is not me

solitary woman
at odds with herself
this is not me

solitary woman
if this is not me
then who am i?

alone and lonely

2005-06-01T15:00:00.000-05:00

alone
lonely
are they the same?
are they different?

i can be alone without being lonely
and i can be lonely without being alone

today i'm feeling both lonely and alone
emotions overflowing
volcano about to erupt
tears will fall like lava
running freely....burning as they go

sadness

2005-06-01T10:44:00.000-05:00

sadness overtakes me
wrong can't be fixed
or can it?

ruined things
but truth came out
how to make things right again?

lost the trust
lost the respect
all because of an omission

should have told
should have told
should have told

would it have mattered?
would it have made a difference?
maybe....maybe not

sadness now overtakes me
hurt is deep for both
can it be fixed?
can it be changed?
can it be better again?

2005-05-30T21:21:00.000-05:00

the walls are closing in
around my heart again
protecting against the hurt
that always seems to come

to open myself up
to let myself feel
wanting that...
but the ache returns

and shuts me down again
makes me monitor my words
careful with what i say
fear takes over

happened too many times to count
maybe what i was told all those years ago is true
don't fall in love
or they'll go away

keep my feelings buried inside
don't wear them on my sleeve
go with the flow
no ties...no strings

no hurt...no pain...
no ache in my heart
keep my emotions at bay
and maybe my heart won't break again.

2005-05-30T21:20:00.000-05:00

just out of reach....just out of focus...
head is cloudy...foggy....a mist...
searching the swamp of my mind
to find the right question...
maybe then i'll know what answer i'm missing.

questions

2005-05-30T21:10:00.000-05:00

i question my life
my existence...my reasons
i try and understand but don't always succeed
looking for answers to questions unknown
is there something missing?
or am i missing me?
what am i seeking?
will i ever know?

is there a lesson here?

2005-05-30T21:02:00.000-05:00

why the sad heart?
what does it mean?
is it a dream, a nightmare, an illusion?
is there a lesson here?

fantasy or reality?
imagined or real?
is there a purpose?
is there a lesson here?

to learn what i need
in order to go on
to survive or to live?
is there a lesson here?

words to describe me

2005-05-28T15:01:00.000-05:00

sad
lonely
empty
words to describe me

happy
fun
full
words to describe me

i'm happy and sad
at the same time
i'm all and nothing
at the same time

the rumblings of discontent stir within me
how to quiet the noise in my head?
satisfaction is fleeting
words to describe me

desire

2005-05-28T14:55:00.000-05:00

desire
yearning
wanting

lust
burning
needing

love
endless
timeless
lost

shared tears

2005-05-19T11:10:00.000-05:00

where are they now?
the ones who cared?
the ones who listened?
who comforted?
who shared?
my hopes and dreams and desires

now they bitch
they tell me i'm wrong
i look to the distance
and they tell me i need to look right here

they think they know best
what's good for me
they discount my feelings
and they discount me

do they know my thoughts?
do they know my fears?
just because i once shared my tears?

calling your name

2005-05-18T10:58:00.000-05:00

calling your name
no answer is there
silence i hear
words fall on emptiness

nothing to hold
arms stretch out
grasping at air
dark all around

lost and alone
sad and torn
what feels right is wrong
happiness is elusive

reality is false
all lies no truth
calling your name
you are not there

happy or sad

2005-04-29T11:45:00.000-05:00

It's weird.......how i can be happy and sad at the same time.....new friend.......makes me smile...look forward to talking to her....i want someone to hold me...someone i can hold.......i miss that.....miss the sex too.......but mostly i just miss being held...being made to feel special......like i matter to someone......don't have that yet......will someday i'm sure......but just not yet......maybe it's not my time to have that yet.......everything happens for a reason...and it's not my place to understand......just need to learn acceptance......if i learn that lesson maybe i won't be sad so much anymore.......not willing to go back on meds.....unless that sadness gets to be too much to handle......it's not there yet........hopefully i can keep it at bay.......but back to new friend........L is sweet......funny.....makes me laugh on the phone......lives in toronto.......why is everyone so far away? don't understand that....but prolly a good thing for L...she's not out......never been with a woman.......but has always wanted to......at least that's what she told me.......has kissed a woman before...is scared tho...but still wants to meet me.....in town on vacation.....we talked on the phone the first time for 4 1/2 hours.......without uncomfortable silences....was able to really talk...not about sex but about all kinds of things......made me feel good.......felt nice.......didn't even exchange pics.....it's not only sex....it's good........have spent lots of time this week on phone with her.....gonna meet up with L next week.......part of me is scared and nervous and excited all at once....part of me is just the cocky cover for all the other feelings........i just know i smile when i hear her voice.....she's worried about the future...what happens if we do click in person?? guess she's feeling some of the same things as me.......that makes me happy...

more random thoughts

2005-04-25T13:52:00.000-05:00

i need to start learning to not have my heart so involved in things...i used to be really good at that....just removing my feelings....well, not so sure i removed them, just buried them so deep inside that they didn't get hurt...somewhere along the line, i uncovered them...and laid them out there for all to see....and now i seem to have difficulty burying them again...or even protecting them....they seem to be worn on my sleeve...out in the open...showing the scars of battles long since past...so wounded that they can't be covered up

ramblings continued

2005-04-06T13:10:00.000-05:00

well...my fears have subsided a little.....but my insecurities are still out in full force....don't know how to fix that....LIE....i do know how but i'm not willing yet......totally know the difference between right and wrong....between good and bad...yet not willing to do anything different to change things....sucks sometimes...being an adult is not as much fun as i thought it would be when i was a kid......

message board has a thread today on This I Believe...
here's what i believe...at least today
1. I believe I don't know as much as I think I do.
2. I believe that love shouldn't hurt.
3. I believe my parents don't know everything but they know a lot more than I gave them credit for when I was a teenager.
4. I believe reality is sometimes just a figment of my imagination.
5. I believe I am not perfect and don't strive for perfection...but strive for progress in all I do.

was harder to write that than i thought it would be....had to really think about what it is that i believe....i expected it to be easy to write...but i had to really think ... guess i could have written just anything but wanted to really write from my inner spot....think i need to do that more right now...

very introspective these past couple of days...not sure why or where it's coming from...get like that sometimes...don't always like when it happens...tend to get mushy and sentimental and such....not sure if i like myself when i get like that...well...not sure if i like that side of myself ... guess it's all part of me so i just have to deal with it...

thoughts

2005-04-06T11:05:00.000-05:00

random thoughts from an idle mind......

such a waste...an idle mind...my mind tends to wander...free to roam...sort of like free association these days....not focused on any one thing...well, not true...mind is focused on certain things..but it's not good for me to dwell there....