turmoil in my head

i'm just a mess...don't know which end is up...don't know what i want in life, in or out of relationship...don't know what kind of person i want to be with...don't even know what kind of person i want to date...don't understand anything about me or my life right now...perpetual state of confusion i live in...why bother? with anything...nothing worth it ... always get hurt in end...what's the point...just learn to be alone and someone comes along and fucks it all up...learn to be ok with them and they fuck it all up again...heart doesn't bend just breaks all the time...never seems to heal...the strength just seeps out...don't wanna be in love...hurts way too much...seeing it happen all around me lately...ppl you think have great relationships have major issues too...so is it worth it? worth the risk? would rather sky dive and take my chances...gamble on a crap shoot...same outcome for me...another opportunity missed...another shot in the dark that missed the mark...arrow off target completely...better to live safely than in constant hurt, pain, turmoil....no pain no gain but what have i gained?