walls

foundation was built on deceit and mistrust
solidly it grew...brick by brick...til the walls were high
and thick...and the mortar between the bricks held tight

now the walls protect my heart...protect my soul...
nothing permeates...no feelings get in ... and nothing gets out...
heart can't be hurt if no feelings get in...
tears held at bay...nothing shows thru...

emotionless...as far as intimate emotions are concerned...
anger shows thru...irritation shows thru...but other emotions are blocked...
protected is what i thought but sometimes i just think they're blocked by the walls...
cause if the other emotions show thru then i have to take risks...
take the chance of being hurt yet again...and that is just too high
a price for me to pay at this point...so, easier, safer for my feelings...
to not show them...to not let them thru the walls....to not feel right now...

took me a while to get the walls this high...this thick...this solid...didn't think i'd
be able to do it again...used to always be this way...but then i found people i was
willing to take risks with...wrong people, wrong choices i guess....cause they took
advantage...took the best parts of me...and tossed them aside...threw them out
like old trash...used and abused my heart...and my soul...

so i took back my heart...took back my soul...and built up the walls to protect them...
now i'm not willing to give them away so freely...not willing to chip away at the walls...there's comfort here...been here so many times before...but something feels different this time...more deliberate...sometimes this protection isolates me...sometimes it insulates me from hurt....

maybe someday.....i'll be willing to tear down the walls again and let someone in...but not today.