you or me?

i listen to the hurt
i listen to the anger
i offer solace
i offer advice
i explain why others behave as they do
i explain this is the way life happens

i swallow my own hurt
i swallow my own anger
i console myself
i try and heed my own advice
i understand your feelings, frustrations, and pain
i felt the same when you treated me that way

unspoken

The sadness is swallowed
The tears kept at bay
All the words i want to say just stay in my head
All the things i want to tell you get left unspoken

The feelings pushed deeper inside
The anger settles over them
And the words get spoken only in my head
And the things i want to tell you get left unspoken

No one to tell this to
No one left who will listen
My head won't shut the words out
And the things i want to tell you get left unspoken

Just an afterthought

When you got nothing to do or no one to call
I'm the one you pick
Just an afterthought is all

Not the top of the list
Not the option you choose
Just the one who's left
The last resort is all

Better than nothing
Better than no one
That's how it's always been
A last resort
An afterthought

just a means to an end

words and actions don't match
take advantage, use others
just a means to an end

break hearts
trample dreams
just a means to an end

fulfill your needs
forget the cost
just a means to an end

say what's necessary to get your way
do what you want no matter who gets hurt
just a means to an end

makes no difference how others feel
their desires are of no consequence
just a means to an end

words without meaning
actions without care
just a means to an end

valentine's day ruminations

to not be an afterthought in someone's life
to not be placed last in order of importance in someone's life
to not be lied to and cheated on

to be loved
to be cherished
to be respected

to find that person who will make me laugh and who will laugh with me
to find that person who will be happy with the quiet times we share together
to find that person who will enjoy my friends and introduce me to their friends
to find that person who truly wants to spend time with me just because i'm me

are these such difficult things? apparently so...because i haven't found them yet
they are things i am seeking...things i hope for...dreams i have...

makes me wonder how i can miss them so much when i haven't ever had them in my life for any length of time...i think i had glimpses of them over the years but they were so fleeting that they just left me with a want; a desire...

once again, alone on valentine's day...a day designed for couples...reinforcement for those who are lacking that special someone...lonliness intensified...leaving me wondering if i'll ever find the things i seek....if i'll ever find someone to hold me with tenderness, to care about me, to fall in love with...

turmoil in my head

i'm just a mess...don't know which end is up...don't know what i want in life, in or out of relationship...don't know what kind of person i want to be with...don't even know what kind of person i want to date...don't understand anything about me or my life right now...perpetual state of confusion i live in...why bother? with anything...nothing worth it ... always get hurt in end...what's the point...just learn to be alone and someone comes along and fucks it all up...learn to be ok with them and they fuck it all up again...heart doesn't bend just breaks all the time...never seems to heal...the strength just seeps out...don't wanna be in love...hurts way too much...seeing it happen all around me lately...ppl you think have great relationships have major issues too...so is it worth it? worth the risk? would rather sky dive and take my chances...gamble on a crap shoot...same outcome for me...another opportunity missed...another shot in the dark that missed the mark...arrow off target completely...better to live safely than in constant hurt, pain, turmoil....no pain no gain but what have i gained?