end of year ruminations

there's a fine line between love and hate
not always sure where one ends and the other begins
confuses me a lot...makes me feel unsettled
the "not knowing" the difference

one extreme to the other
things either have to be black or white
no gray allowed...always yes or no....no maybe allowed
confuses me a lot...makes me feel unsettled
the "not being ok" with the middle ground

happiness and sadness....opposite ends of the spectrum
but are they really?
could they just be the same feeling happening at different times?
is that why people "cry tears of happiness and joy"?
confuses me a lot...makes me feel unsettled
the "undecidedness" of it all

been through a lot this year...great highs and great lows
the highs just don't seem to last long enough to suit me
not sure what to do to make them last or how to retain that feeling inside me
lows always seem to be of my own doing though
things i could have changed but didn't or don't or can't or won't
confuses me a lot...makes me feel unsettled
the end of one year and the start of a new year

expectations for the future....always expectations
the more you have the more apt to be disappointed
maybe new year's resolution should be to have less expectations in life
then disappointments in life will be less
maybe we are supposed to be disappointed at times in order to learn and grow
maybe that is the lesson
confuses me a lot....makes me feel unsettled

emotional debris

mind racing
swirling vortex of emotions
searching for that happy place
where my mind is calm
like gentle waves quietly lapping at the shore
instead of the raging storm blowing through me
searching.....always searching
but that happy place has been buried
under emotional debris that just keeps piling higher
tiny speck of light is all that is visible of that happy place...
soon it too will be gone

vicious cycle

anger, resentment, negativity
seem to take over my outlook whenever i'm hurting inside
it's as if it's not ok for me to just feel the hurt and work through it
or maybe it's just that i don't know how to work through the hurt and
it's just easier to be angry at the world and everyone in it
it's not as if i usually know what i'm angry about either
but i do usually know what the hurt is from
and the anger is always misplaced
rarely directed at the person i'm truly angry with
unless it's directed at myself and then i'm angry with myself
because i'm not addressing whatever caused the emotions in the first place

vicious cycle
fear locks me in this vicious cycle
fear of looking at the real issues in my life and making changes in the way things are

meaningless

it's all meaningless
constantly asking "why?"
no reasons
useless information anyway
passionless, pointless
going through the motions
because that is what is expected
it's just what you do
but it's all so inane
youth wasted
artificial lifetime exhausted

L.O.S.T.

L onely
O n my own
S olitary
T roubling

reasons

words so often go unspoken
feelings unable to be conveyed
insecurities overtake me
warping my views
clouding my thoughts
changing my behaviors

deceit

deceit, lies, things not said
words still running laps in my head
swirling around in a heated tempest
creating endless turmoil and unrest
my emotions turned upside down
my heart ripped out and then carelessly tossed to the ground
she didn't care, she didn't worry, she didn't feel the love lost
i paid the price to be with her but for me it was a terribly high cost

feelings overwhelm

standing at the bottom of the mountain
it's too high to climb to the top
avalanche of emotions bury me
don't think i can dig my way out
it's too deep here
they weigh heavy on my shoulders
heartbreak
heartache
feelings overwhelm

scared

scared to let anyone in
scared to be hurt again
time inches forward
creeping along
silent, ever watchful
waiting for the chance
to live again
to love again
but i'm too scared of the pain
too scared
too scared
too scared
too scared to take the risk of being vulnerable

each time i allow myself to be vulnerable, a little piece of me is chiseled away
til i feel like i'm left with nothing
afraid of what will become of me if more is taken away...
afraid of living
afraid of dying
so i do nothing instead

wounded

knife in my heart
bleeding inside
scarred by circumstances
wounds won't heal
emotions seep out
nothing stays in my heart anymore
the hole just keeps growing bigger

the more twists and turns of fate
the less of me i feel
losing sense of self
anger brewing on surface
always angry
covers up the sadness
easier to be angry than sad
hurts less that way

questions without answers

be true to yourself is what they tell me, but
what happens if you aren't sure who you are?
what happens if you feel lost all the time?
what happens if your heart is broken and feels like it'll never heal?
what happens if you feel like you'll never love again?
what happens if you feel like you'll never be loved again?
what happens if you feel so alone that you are drowning in your emotions?
what happens if you feel like you are a spectator in your own life?

how do you turn it all around?
how do you make things different?
how do you learn to trust again?
how do you learn to love again?
how do you learn to be true to yourself?

still

always missing the mark
reaching, stretching, seeking my holy grail
only to come up empty handed yet again
and still i continue on

persevering in my plight
like a ship stalled at sea
tossed and turned on the waves of my life
and still i continue on

wondering, wishing, hoping
that glimmer in the distance
clawing my way to the end

fog of my life

numbness crawling over me
covering me like a blanket
walking thru the fog of my life
seeing shadows instead of light

pain is subsiding
feelings whittled down to nothing
splinters of my past
ghosts of lives gone

time marches forward
never slowing its pace
thoughts always in a hurry
emotions have lost the race

safer that way

closed off
sealed shut
emotions hidden from sight
safer that way
no chance of hurt

watch from outside myself
participate thru a screen
as if on film
images there but not real

bury the pain
swallow the fears
deeper i sink inside myself
safer that way

demons

demons in my head
scrambling my thoughts
wrapping around my emotions

wondering where my angel is
the one who will tame the demons
calm the roller coaster ride i'm on