someday

afraid of learning about myself again
afraid of all the new lessons in store
afraid of the anger turning into hurt again
afraid of opening myself up again

because every time i let someone in
i get hurt... a little more of me gets ripped apart
a little deeper the wounds go
always letting in the "wrong" people...
the ones who put me last in their lives
the ones who don't care...who don't respect me

so i close off a little more of me each time this happens
and i wonder if that's all there is...that's all that's out there
or if i'll always feel this way...sad...lonely...alone...angry

the anger gets directed at myself...
for once again putting myself in this position
of losing another piece of myself...
of my heart getting stepped on a little more

someday things will be different for me

stages

the hurt has turned to anger
the pain is lessened as time goes on
it's almost like watching the stages of grief
except there was no denial in the beginning
just despair...an overwhelming sadness...
a knowledge that nothing would change how things were happening
a numbing acceptance that things would forever be different
the process of letting go of the past
and being scared of the future

betrayal of the worst kind

betrayal of the worst kind
from the people you thought mattered
from the ones you thought wouldn't do it

betrayal of the worst kind
everything changed forever
everything ruined beyond repair

betrayal of the worst kind
lies, deceit, violation of trust
tangled web of convolution

betrayal of the worst kind
everyone blaming someone else
no one taking responsibility for their actions
it's just betrayal of the worst kind

slipping

Isolation in my head
Been there for a while now
Can feel myself drifting away
In my reality as well
Tenuous connections
Ready to drop off the edge
Ready to let go of it all
Then the phone rings
And the tears begin to flow
For all the opportunities that I let slip away
For all the chances that I didn't take

deeper

Bury the wounds deep inside
Under layers of protection
Maybe they'll have time to heal
Before ripping open again
Each time they rip open
A little deeper they go
Past the point of no return
So fully engulfed in hurt
There is no recovery

nothing matters

Shut the noise in my head
Turn off the emotions in my heart
Cease to wonder about it all
Questions go unanswered in my mind
No need to know
Nothing matters anymore