confusion

confusion reigns supreme
what to do
where to go
who to love

listening to others
who don't understand
they don't know what it's like
to love outside the norm

heart is heavy
an intense ache inside
if it's wrong, why does it feel so right
it just all seems so hard

my life is a treadmill
or a stationary bicycle
i keep going but never getting anywhere

i watch the scenery pass by
but it's all just an illusion
a movie on a screen

time standing still
time moving on
but yet everything stays the same

i follow the road
but it's going in a circle
i've seen these sights before

storm in my head
rip tides pulling me away from shore
drowning me in thoughts

swimming upstream
always a struggle
yet still i travel

the chosen path
filled with thorns
stabbing, poking, scratching

sinking in quicksand
every step going deeper
grabbing at nothing and slipping further down

nothing received

static in my brain
connection is gone
nothing received

words are scrambled
meanings are lost
nothing received

random thoughts
disconnected symbols
nothing received

free association
useless information
nothing received

secret

I'm a secret...
your dirty secret...
one you seem to hide from everyone

I'm a shadow...
a part of you but not really there...
one you seem to hide from everyone

I'm a shell...
something you collected along the way...
one you seem to hide from everyone

I'm no one...
a figment of your imagination...
one you seem to hide from everyone

I'm everyone you pass on the street...
the faceless stranger walking by your life...
the person you wish you could take the risk to meet...
I'm your secret
I'm your shadow
I'm your shell
I'm no one

this is where my thoughts take me

like alice in wonderland
through the looking glass i go
where everything is distorted
out of sorts
caricatures of real life
this is where my thoughts take me

roller coaster ride of emotions
extreme highs and extreme lows
sudden turns and twists of fate
knuckles turning white from holding on so tight
death grip on life
this is where my thoughts take me

nightmares and horror films
freaks and ghouls
halloween in my head every day of the year
fear deep down in my bones
inching me forward in life
this is where my thoughts take me

confusion in my head
sadness in my heart
gnawing away at my center

fears are everywhere
forced to confront them
nowhere to hide

don't like what i see
don't like what i feel
don't like where i am

not whole
pieces and parts
chiseled away

i'm wrong

when you screw things up, how do you fix it?
i have no idea....but i screwed up
and now things are broken
not completely snapped apart
but not working properly
and i can't seem to fix it
even though i'm the one who broke it
the ache inside
the pain i caused
can't seem to correct
just rears up again
mostly when i think things are starting to get better
i realize i'm wrong...yet again....as usual...like always

the damage done

heartache, heartbreak, bitterness
actions caused these feelings
my actions....
damage done...
wounded another soul
unintentional...
sadness, hurt, pain
my feelings...
can't repair
the damage done

you don't call

where are you?
what are you doing?
why don't you call?

the pain and hurt
are deep and dark
still you don't call

i sit with tears in my eyes
heart in pieces
and still you don't call

waiting

waiting and wondering
always at odds
mostly with myself

waiting and wondering
for and about what?
big question with no answer

will i ever know
what i'm waiting for?
what i'm wondering about?

solitary woman
at peace with herself
this is not me

solitary woman
at odds with herself
this is not me

solitary woman
if this is not me
then who am i?

alone and lonely

alone
lonely
are they the same?
are they different?

i can be alone without being lonely
and i can be lonely without being alone

today i'm feeling both lonely and alone
emotions overflowing
volcano about to erupt
tears will fall like lava
running freely....burning as they go

sadness

sadness overtakes me
wrong can't be fixed
or can it?

ruined things
but truth came out
how to make things right again?

lost the trust
lost the respect
all because of an omission

should have told
should have told
should have told

would it have mattered?
would it have made a difference?
maybe....maybe not

sadness now overtakes me
hurt is deep for both
can it be fixed?
can it be changed?
can it be better again?