Story of my Life

The names have been changed to protect the innocent
All characters, while resembling real people, are nonetheless fictitious
Nothing more than fiction built up in the mind of the author
This is the story of my life
Same stage, different players yet still producing the same results
New scenery but the story remains relatively unchanged
The words are slightly altered but their meanings are still the same
Trying to create a multi-act play out of a one act monologue
This is the story of my life

been practicing my whole life for this day

watching life from the sidelines
but i'm ready to play, coach
put me in before the game ends
been practicing my whole life for this day

swayed to the music while sitting alone on the bleachers
didn't have the nerve to get out there
but i'm ready to dance
before the last song ends
been practicing my whole life for this day

lost my chance
was afraid to let anyone in
hurt too many times by so many
but i'm ready to love
before my last breath is taken
been practicing my whole life for this day

New Year's Day

New Year's Day...
a time for new beginnings
a time to say goodbye to the days of the past year
introspection...reflection...new resolutions

thoughts flitting through my brain
like hummingbirds at a feeder
never coming to a complete stop
just hovering out of reach

reflect, think, resolve, do
sequence is important
change is necessary in life
so what are my resolutions for the New Year?

hurting

why do i ask when the answers cut me to the bone?
why do i torture myself like that?
does it hurt more to know?
or hurt more to allow my brain to run through all the thoughts on its own?
either way my heart knows the truth and it just hurts...
and in all this time i still haven't found a way to make it stop hurting

sunsets

watching the beautiful sunsets after the rains have cleared
seeing the wonder and awe in the colors and clouds
feeling that black hole of loneliness at watching it alone

forever in pieces

heart broken...forever in pieces
never to be whole again
i try to put the pieces together
but it seems like some are missing
as if there is a constant hole
and i can't make it solid again
just a bunch of shattered shards is all that's left
of this broken heart

noise

i write to get the feelings out
to get a handle on my emotions
to make the thoughts in my head be quiet for a little while at least
sometimes it helps...to stop the noise in my head
other times it just stirs up the thoughts even more
those times scare me....make me think the thoughts are too consuming
afraid they'll be all-consuming...eating me alive...making me nothing
more than a shell of the person i desire to be...

inside-outside

need to find a way to make the outside match the inside
maybe then the pain on the inside will be able to dissipate
i try to change the thoughts, the habits, the patterns
but to no avail
the pain on the inside just keeps growing
overshadowing the progress i appear to be making on the outside
yet still i keep struggling along
hoping....praying...that one of these days....
that what i feel inside and what i present on the outside will match

meaningless

pieces of me scattered about
easy to give of myself
much more difficult to give my heart

emptiness
empty sex
meaningless

to give my heart
means to open myself to someone
to risk, to chance, to care

easier to just give my body
it's for a moment...an instant in time
no hurt...no cares...no fears

just emptiness
just empty sex
just meaningless

empty tears

hurts too much to care
wounds are too deep
scars won't heal
sadness too much to bear

walls are high
guard is up
emotions in check
empty tears I cry

heart is broken
feels like it will never be whole

introspection

must be the time of year...
i always get much more introspective...
maybe it has to do with the days being shorter...
darker earlier...makes me feel darker inside...

i look inside...deep inside...at the things i wish for...
the things i'm still lacking...inside..
and wonder what it will take to find those things...
the pieces that are missing...
the dreams yet achieved...

maybe i just get introspective since there is less to do...
this time of year...not as active...
although lately i've been isolating...
an improvement is that i know that is what i've been doing...
it's been a conscious choice i've made recently...
spending the time alone...time to think...to reflect...
to decide how to change things in my life...

and still i wonder what it will take...
to make those changes...
to find the missing pieces...
to fulfill the dreams in my heart...

it's my life after all

so i carefully prayed to the full moon goddess this month
tried to be a bit more specific than the last time
not sure if she heard my prayers or not
but i did see a double rainbow the very next day
and a single rainbow the day after that
i'm hoping that's a positive sign
and not the full moon goddess laughing at me

"if wishes were horses this beggar would ride"
as i've heard sung by a favorite singer of mine
so maybe it's my turn to ride for a change...
i can hope for that anyway...

it's lonely walking solo all the time...
the world is made for couples
it's shoved in my face on a regular basis
like when my friends all do "date nite"
and alone i sit...without someone to "date"

but i don't think it's fair for me to mislead others
into thinking my feelings are deeper than surface
when that's all i feel...
so rather than continue to hurt them
i end things...rather quickly...
at least according to my friends
who don't completely understand why i don't just settle
especially if the other person treats me well...
but there are lots of other factors to consider..
least of which is how i feel about them...
and if they are talking forever...
i'm talking right now...
then things will never move forward...
mostly because i won't let them...
i'm holding out...
not settling just because others think i should
or just because the other person has my life planned out
because it's my life after all...
and i deserve to be happy...
and someday i hope to find that...
if not...guess i'll just grow old alone
because it's my life after all

sitting

feeling alone...even with others around
feeling alone...even when by myself
nothing matters anymore
nothing seems important anymore

words get spoken but i doubt their meaning
for it's only words...actions are missing
and words are meaningless
if the actions don't back them up

so alone i sit...waiting for the moment to pass
waiting for the feelings to change
waiting for my outside and inside to match

the search

i search
i seek
always looking for the place within
the one that provides the needed peace
the happiness that i yearn for
but it's buried so deep
i only scratch the surface for brief instances
then it vanishes once more

so again
i search
i seek
continually striving to find that inner sanctuary
the serenity
the calmness
the little bit of heaven that will lead to a wealth of possibilities

i'm going to try to cultivate a garden of beauty
within myself
so maybe the colors of the rainbow will be reflected inside
and my perception of the world will no longer be clouded
but will be clear with the endless hope and joy of a newly developed world

despair

that unrelenting despair
engulfing all of my thoughts
doesn't take much these days
too many goodbyes
not enough hellos

tears are held at bay
just waiting to overflow the reservoir
one more incident to tip the scales
in favor of the tears

that unrelenting despair
engulfing all of my thoughts
doesn't take much these days
too many wrongs
not enough rights

too many negative things happening at once
not enough positive things to keep me balanced
waiting for the next one that will send me over the edge
into the deepest well of darkness
into the abyss that will signal my demise